I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
