just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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