Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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