his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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