im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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