nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
