You made me cry and you don't even care
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
