Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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