I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
