The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
