This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
