Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize