Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
