history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
