2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
