the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
