I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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