The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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