Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
ttyl tear gas
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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