When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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