my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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