I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
