I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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