I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
