Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
