This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
