I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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