Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
