Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
