I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
