The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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