He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize