I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
