My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
