Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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