I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
