The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
