Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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