I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
