How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
