i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
