he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
