I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
