why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
