I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
