His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
