Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
