1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
