i just wanna soil my oats bro
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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