I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
