I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
