Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
