Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize