Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
