Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
