Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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