Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
