look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
