I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize